How to ask for what you want

One of the most limiting thoughts that runs through the human mind is "What if they say no?" There are so many questions that we never ask because we fear being told NO!
  • We don't ask that person out on a date because they might say no and the feeling of rejection would be too much.
  • We don't ask for help because they might say no and that would destroy our friendship.
  • We don't ask for a raise because we fear we'll be told no and that means we aren't worthy.

The reason for our fear is that we combine our ego and self-esteem into the mix and the question really becomes "Will you please give me the validation and approval that I desire?"  A request for a raise is no longer a request for more money but a request to substantiate your worth as a person.  When the stakes are raised in this manner then fear creeps in....If they say no I'll be crushed. I'll have to quit and find another we don't ask...or if we do and are told no then we take it personal and become bitter when the reality may very well be that there was no money allocated for raises, or that a shuffle in positions may be landing you a new title and raise a few months down the line.

By learning to allow the answer to be "no," without taking it personal and without allowing it to destroy us emotionally, we can learn to ask for anything that we desire.

Another reason that we may be afraid to ask for what we want is that we may feel that we are imposing or asking too much of the other person.  In this case it is important that we make it clear to the other party that it is okay to say no.  When we are sure that the answer will be yes if only if the other party truly means "yes it is okay," then we can feel free to ask for what we want.

Learning not to entwine our ego and self-esteem into every interaction we have with others can allow new found freedom and be very rewarding. 

Zen Presence - Ideas for Meaningful Living


  1. This will take some getting use to, but sounds reasonable.

    Shirley Girl

  2. What it all comes down to is that we need to stop seeking from tbe outside, that which should come from within. Much easier said than done--I'm not there yet, to be sure--but it really is the key that will allow us to conquer fear and ask for what we need, without personalizing.

    1. Interacting with others can lead us to being happy, but that is different from seeking our happiness through others. Interact, love, help and create your meaning and happiness from within.